The Monkey, and the Chestnuts.

Because its not always I find a song that sings about you and me perfectly.

So.

It is a little unnerving to find out that what you've always thought was a personality trait, is actually a mental disorder. Of course to be fair, it's not something that people seek professional help for - at least not often at any rate. But indeed, to find out that a mental condition that affects less that 1% of the general population can be used to explain yourself is unnerving indeed.

What's more is the fact that people who have this condition to its extreme don't actually need any professional help - yes they maybe a little eccentric, yes they do not fit society, but as a general rule they are fine without people. As a matter of fact, their ability to function without people is to my imagination, more of a gift rather than an 'illness' or a 'condition'. Perhaps we reject them and call them sick because in truth we'd really like to be like them.

At any rate, I seem to fall under the other category - the closet type of this mental condition if you will. Truth be told, I find all this to be more of a compliment rather than unpleasant news. And if this little mental condition of mine is indeed an 'illness' - then I am rather glad to be sick. Of course, this is proof enough that I have this condition isn't it?

But back to my point. I've read up that it is exactly my type of mental condition that should seek professional help. This middle road is exactly what becomes my bane, the inability to fall to either extreme. Which feels right because I've always suspected that it's because of this 'middle road' is why I've had the life I had.

Reading further about my condition hypothesizes on future problems, although it's nothing that I haven't thought of before. I've always believed that I'd have that problem, and the thing that I told Alex, that it was overrated, now I understand why we disagreed on it. And I was right, well, in my context at any rate.

And as for you, you, you and you, well I am rather glad for you. You do deserve that brilliant, mentally stable engineer boyfriend of yours compared to little crazy old me. 

Come to think of it, I've lost most of the women in my life to engineers! Who engineered the cupid machine and didn't tell me about it??

p/s: Or rather, just the machine that steals girls from me. How cruel!

 Ah, so this is where that little fucker kept his book!

It doesn't matter. So Ari thinks that people should comply with 'duty and propriety'. I say bullcrap. Why would anyone do that? It's so... inhuman to be emotionally repressive and all prim and proper! Listen, us humans, we are all creatures of emotions. It's exactly our display of feelings that makes us humans. Picture a future of robots butlers that are smiley, a little cheerful, but in all other aspects, unemotional. Sure, they would make great housemaids and competent butlers, but they would absolutely suck as a friend or companion.

And taking Ari's example of the guy who took someone's wife out to dinner. Yes, everything that her argues for it, the consenting husband, the public place, and all other things, sure, it is a valid argument. But let's also take it a step further. Even if these two were to go out and find out that they love each other; what's wrong with that? Has he never thought that perhaps the husband is not the right person for this woman? Has he never considered that perhaps she is unhappy in her marriage and found someone that makes her happy? In that case, what is Ari's definition of 'duty and propriety' and what is 'right'? I would say that of course the guy has a moral obligation. The moral obligation to claim what he really wants!

It isn't just that. What really is the purpose in repressing your emotions? I mean, think about it. Emotions actually help us function. It's what makes us who we are, it tells us what we want. When someone insults you publicly, do you just sit and take it? Don't you feel angry and want to stand up for yourself? Without emotions, without expressing what we feel, we are becoming mindless automatons. Picture this; if Shakespear were to 'repress his feelings' and wrote his work in a controlled refined manner, we wouldn't be left with his masterpieces. Van Gogh. Mozart. Nothing.

And speaking of the example, Ari is doing that right now. He thinks I don't know, but he slips away in the evenings to meet some girl. Sometimes he denies it, "I won't be long, just to the grocery store," and then comes home late, but sometimes he tells me "I'll be meeting Miss Mitchell today," he'd say, and when I ask him where are they going for their date, he'd just say "Oh, don't be silly Khair, it is nothing more than a casual meeting. It's not a date."

But really, he's just saying that because he doesn't want to be seen going after this Miss Mitchell who I think is already engaged to someone. Just one occasion did I see him bring her home so she could listen to some of his music, and it seemed like she might even like him back too.

Stupid guy! What's wrong with going after what you want?

Anyway, I think I hear him through the door, so I'm going to stop writing here. But as a last note, what are we if we can't even act on our feelings and what we want? Are we simply caught in days of 'propriety', and if we are, what for? To what end or purpose do we restrain our feelings? No no no, we musn't. There's no glory to be found working in a crappy job that you hate for 30 years before finally admitting that you hate it. Or to stand by and watch as someone you love go home to someone else. Or to delay from going out to achieve your dreams, whatever they may be, waiting for the 'appropriate time'.

Adios!

No matter what anyone says, including my dear friend Mr. Khair, there is much to be said (and done) regarding duty and propriety. In this age, we have begun to negotiate with others as well as ourselves the meaning of being proper and responsible, so much so in fact that we have degraded the standards of which our forefathers have set before us, and what we deem appropriate and responsible today will undoubtedly make them turn in their graves.

But indeed, before we venture to talk about what is duty and propriety, we must at the very least, attempt to define the broad definition of the combination of these two words. What is duty and propriety? By themselves, they could mean 'responsibility' and 'manners', and though these two words may be reflected in the phrase 'duty and propriety', they hardly justify its full extent. While this may be a phrase that I have indeed, conjured from thin air and may sound alien and unfamiliar to you, nevertheless, its concept is known to every self respecting citizen of the world. Words are, despite their fundamental use in our lives, merely signifiers, poor representations of what we truly mean. Therefore it is not entirely a herculean task to attempt to derive what I truly mean from this phrase; simply put, duty and propriety are the standards of moral obligations, of responsibilities one has to adhere to, to what is 'right'. Mr. Khair would undoubtedly argue that 'right' is merely a cultural construction, but it is folly to think that there is not a sense of propriety that we develop as a civilised society. Indeed, I would challenge Mr. Khair to put forth a question of whether a man should take somebody else's wife alone, to dinner. To one whose sense of duty and propriety is loose, he may say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is after all, merely a meal, at a public place no less, hardly a place for a man and another man's wife to be acting inappropriately. And if the man and the woman have been friends prior to the meeting, and it is done with the consent of the husband, what harm can there be at their rendevous?

But a morally responsible person would argue that a meeting between a man and a woman is always tricky, for we are apt to give in to our emotional temptations. History has shown that no matter how platonic a relationship between a man and woman is, there is always some small degree of attraction that most are ever ready to deny. And yet, once the stage has been set, and the chain of events have been set in motion, many find themselves in cupid's trap, enslaved to their desires and their emotions, unable to break free. As a result, relationships and marriages are destroyed, leaving the forgotten one in the midst of emotional chaos.

Taking our example further however, there are times when it is impossible to refuse a lady a meeting, and worse still when the gentleman of this example has more than platonic feelings for this married woman. Despite that however, there is still an opportunity for the man to adhere to high standards of duty and propriety, demonstrating nothing less than an exceptional standard of moral responsibility. In such an event, it falls under the gentleman's responsibility to ensure that it is he who ensures that the dinner is conducted in an appropriate manner, that their conversation never fall to those topics which are likely to evoke inappropriate feelings, to an extent that he may bring up topics regarding her husband, to remind both of them that they are bound to duty and propriety. 

Such a feat is of course, difficult, especially when the aforementioned gentleman has feelings for the lady, and yet it is precisely this triumph over his emotion that marks the quality of a person who subscribes to duty and propriety. Such standards are not sexist by any means; the reverse is also true of the ladies that are put in this difficult position.

I have been in such a situation before, and I must admit that I was in love with a lady who was already taken. We were indeed, very close friends, as a matter of fact the very best of friends I must say, and it was difficult once I had realized my feelings to disregard them and do strictly what was proper and responsible. And yet despite that, I would say with absolute certainty, that although I have, at times, pictured a life with her, and even on one occasion talked with her about it (in a purely suppository manner, a fantasy to indulged and laughed at) it has never crossed my mind to attempt to disrupt her relationship. I remembered once, in a heated argument with a friend, Mr. Adams to be specific, he accused me of attempting to "steal her from her boyfriend" which I took to heart; it was since then that I have stopped considering him as a friend and we have not talked since. Let me reiterate; although I have on many occasions behaved inappropriately with her at that time, it was never my intention of causing disharmony between her and boyfriend.

But I digress; my point was that although I did perform poorly under such a trial, I reserve some degree of triumph in saying that my intentions have always been sincere and pure. I may not have adhered to the strictest standards of duty and propriety, but perhaps I have captured a small part of its essence, and that I may, if ever placed under such a situation again, be better prepared to perform better.  

I would continue to write, but Mr. Khair is distracting me. He has an opposite view to mine, and sometimes I wonder why we are even friends. He is glancing at my book suspiciously - I must guard it better.
_____________________________________

An experimental story. Part 2 shall come soon!

People love me.

They do. I don't doubt that.

But I just cannot stand that I feel trapped by their love. I don't feel free. I feel caged, as though I'm bound to their way of loving me.

They love me, but they don't respect me.

"I used to love you. But now I don't respect you. And you can never truly love someone unless you respect them."